Sentiments on a Cold Morning

This blog is supposed to contain just happy thoughts, but it’s hard to think happy thoughts when you’re not even happy.

I’ve never felt more alone in my life. First, Y’s dad is not here to witness Y’s milestones. He won’t be here on Sunday, Y’s baptism. I love to plan events, but this event is simply depressing – if not for Y’s new clothes.

Of course, I’ve been missing J for quite a long time now. And I think I’ve gotten used to it. But I’m thankful that he always makes his presence felt through constant communication.

No, the sentiments are not because of him. It’s not because of Y, either. If anything, these two are the people whom I love and make me feel loved the most.

No, the sentiments are for the friends I thought I have. The same friends I treated as sisters. The same friends whom I knew know I am lucky to have. Now, I’m not even sure if I still have friends. All of them.

One has gone to another country. One has gone to law school. One has gone back to her home. One has gone to her new family.

And no, I’m not stuck in my old life. I remind myself that I was the first one to have a new life. But I still value these people. I keep trying and trying to keep our ties from breaking. I keep on showing them that I remember, that I care.

Even when I was struggling new mom to Y, I was always there whenever they needed me.

Now, I can’t help thinking that all my efforts in keeping the friendship are unappreciated and useless. And I’m tired of making the effort. I might as well focus on the people who will love me in return.

It makes me want to cry but, no, I won’t.

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