Slow dancing in a burning room

I know, I know – could I have used a cheesier John Mayer song as title? But I couldn’t have found a truer one to describe how I feel.

I’m not supposed to be blogging now. I’m supposed to be working, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t concentrate on anything. Also, I have to let this out.

My mom and I had “the talk” again last night. She asked me what I was planning to do with my baby, with my future, with J. Not necessarily in that order. Again, she pleaded me to stop communicating with J. She pleaded me to use my head this time, not my heart. She pleaded me not to make another mistake again.

I found myself agreeing with her.

I have been thinking about this for a long time already. J and I have so many differences; can we make it? I can’t just think of myself and my feelings now. I have to think of my baby, I have to think of the future. I have to be prepared for what the future holds for us.

There may be no future for us.

As much as it pains me to say that, I can’t fight against reality. This is not a fairytale where everything works out in the end – because fairytales end when the prince marries the princess and none of the harder things that come after that. In reality, not everything works out the way we want them to.

So maybe this is our reality.

Maybe we were given 10 months of happiness, love and lessons. Maybe we will become better people after this. Maybe we would become each other’s best memories and be the heroes in the stories we would tell our grandchildren.

But if I had a choice, I wish I were not this smart. I wish my family didn’t have such a good status. I wish I didn’t have such a good background. Then maybe we could have worked this out.

I don’t know exactly how to end a story. I’m not much of a writer when it comes to conclusions.

But I can’t help but hope that maybe we can have another chapter.

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